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Wednesday, March 25, 2015

It is with great anticipation of finally getting my 15 minutes of fame that I announce my candidacy for president of the United States. Unfortunately, I was born in the United States to American parents, so I don’t offer the opportunity to spur a debate about the Constitution and how many ways we can ignore and defend it at the same time. But I am an arrogant jerk, and that has to count for something.

To hurry this process along and attempt to win the White House prior to 2016, (Hey! I will sue the crap out of the “system” to get what I want. THAT is the American way!) I have already named Craig Bacon as my running mate. We have absolutely nothing in common politically, which should make us the most qualified ticket out there.

Since Americans love being divided on the most important issues facing our country, let me say up front that we will alter our campaign platform daily based on the public opinion polls. Every presidential candidate alters their campaign platform based on the public opinion polls, but I figured I would just save you the time of accusing us of it and tell you that is the way it will be. Since none of you actually care about the issues and care more about being part of the “right side” of any argument, we figure that we can confuse enough of you into voting for us and keep our campaign going.

Of my opponents let me say this, I have no idea who you are and cannot wait to start filming attack ads that make up “facts” about what you have done throughout your political careers. After all, attack ads are what the people want to see. I mean, who wants to sit through a 30-second ad that actually outlines a politician’s stance on an important issue? Boring! People want to see the dirt and they want to confuse the facts to the point where the dirt is even embarrassed by what people are saying about it.

As part of my campaign, I promise pot in every chicken and I will be changing the national anthem to “Shine On, You Crazy Diamond (Parts I – V)” by Pink Floyd. I cannot wait until my first Olympics and we get to hear our new national anthem performed for 14 minutes. Take that North Korea. Wait. Does North Korea even have an anthem?

Our campaign mascot will be a turtle, for no reason whatsoever.  Our campaign motto will be “CNN Sucks” in Republican strongholds and “Fox News Sucks” everywhere else. I cannot wait to see those slogans on posters and bumper stickers. I also intend to bring back those 1930s straw hats with pictures of Ronald Reagan on them. Why Reagan? Why not?

What party will Craig and I be running under? We will be running under the NBS Party and we leave that to you to decipher. Our party’s motto is “Working hard to fertilize Democracy.” Now THAT is American. Craig and I will also be alternating who will be the presidential candidate based on the voter polls. I will start off as the presidential candidate, but if Craig is trending higher then he takes over until my numbers improve. That way you always get the candidate you want.

We will deliver speeches randomly in English, Spanish, Polish, and Russian to keep you on your toes. We also plan to show up to debates in stretch limos filled with entourages, party clowns, and Abe Vigoda. Because, let’s face it, Abe Vigoda needs to get out more. We would bring along Betty White, but she keeps beating us in poker and we are running out of cash.

Our fundraisers will be held at Ponderosa Steak Houses all over the country because we are men of the people and broke. We will not have a website, but you can follow me @georgenroot3 on Twitter to stay up to date on all of our campaign information.

How does that sound?

When the country remains divided and refuses to become united, this is the kind of presidential campaign you wind up getting. Instead of a fierce competition for the highest political office in the world, you get the Jerry Springer show.

Don’t you think America deserves better than that?

This country is the equivalent of an arguing family on a cross-country vacation that is headed for a cliff and cannot see it coming. You can keep believing that your political party offers all of the answers, or you can start doing some research and find out what candidates are actually the most qualified for the job.

But just in case America decides to encourage another presidential campaign like the ones we have seen over the past couple of decades, Craig and I will be waiting with our turtle and Abe Vigoda. Vote for us because we will agree with you and say that you are right! After all, that is what you want, isn’t it?

+George N Root III is a cynical American who is pretty convinced that the country will vote itself into oblivion. Prove him wrong and he will be eternally grateful

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