Michael Bay! BOOM! ‘Splosions! Michael…what?....oh Michael Bay only produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? He didn’t direct it? Oh, ok then. And now for the review.

WARNING: If you are a huge fan of the Turtles from the 80’s and 90’s, then you probably will not like this movie at all. Like I said, I don’t know much about the Turtles, but I managed to watch a few older episodes of the cartoon and these new Turtles are NOT your grandmother’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. This is a very dark Turtles universe that hardcore fans are rejecting immediately.

This review will be the most difficult one I have written to this point, mostly because I know so little of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles stories. It is also going to be difficult because it was directed by Michael Bay BOOM! protege Jonathan Liebesman and not ‘Splosions! Michael Bay himself. Leibesman is responsible for such train wrecks as Battle Los Angeles and Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning.

Despite the rash of remakes and reboots the past few years, some Hollywood writers have become quite talented at their crafts. The best rehash writers understand the cardinal rule of writing movies, which is:
It is okay to ask the audience to suspend disbelief and create your own universe, but everything in that universe better make sense or you will have an angry audience on your hands.

Let me explain what I mean by using the masterpiece of 2014, Godzilla. In Godzilla, Gareth Edwards bothers to put in the five minute scene that completely explains where Godzilla and the MUTOs come from. Edwards also bothers to include several extremely short scenes, some as short as a minute or less, to explain most of the things that we see. While Godzilla has some plot holes, the story itself is contained into the Godzilla universe very well.

With Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, all of those critical little scenes are missing. The audience is forced to bridge the gaps with their imaginations, which is not easy when you are talking about a movie that is based on the idea that box turtles can grow to be six-feet tall and learn martial arts. It isn’t that the audience needs to be spoon-fed plot elements. But a good script conveniently picks an audience up at point A and deposits that audience at point B when the movie is over. In Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the story bus breaks down about 10 minutes after the journey begins.

With all of that being said – my wife and I genuinely enjoyed the movie. It has some fun comedy, Will Arnett is a lot of fun and Megan Fox is not nearly as annoying as she can be. Megan Fox either grew up and changed a lot since Jonah Hex, or she had a lot of plastic surgery done. Either way, she isn’t quite as dumbfounded looking as she was in the past.

First, the good stuff. The Turtles’ characters are developed very well. Actually, all of the characters in this movie are interesting and well-defined. The action is fun to watch and the back and forth is funny, for the most part. These are the things that allow someone to turn their brain off and just enjoy the movie.

Now, the bad stuff. It feels like portions of the script were written over a lunch at Denny’s just outside of Hollywood by a guy who knows nothing about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The only spoiler I will give you is that there is no ooze. Even I know that the ooze is an important part of the Turtles’ story.

Like I said, you can turn your brain off and enjoy this movie, but once you turn your brain back on and think about the movie, you will really hate it. When my wife and I left the drive-in, we both agreed that this movie was fun to watch and did not understand the negative backlash against it. But when I woke up this morning, I realized that I hated this movie for a lot of reasons.

The movie is lazy, incoherent and inconsistent. If you take the information you are given in the movie at face value and try to work your way through the story line, you hit more stupid traps than Wile E. Coyote trying to capture the Road Runner.

Allow me to offer two examples without offering spoilers. For one thing, Splinter is a martial arts expert with a Japanese accent who has absolutely no exposure to that culture except for two books. Last I knew you could not develop an accent by reading a book. You also need a lot more than two books to understand the extremely complicated concept of martial arts culture.

Without explaining how it all works, we are shown that Splinter and the Turtles are essentially the same age when they are brought together. With absolutely no explanation whatsoever, we are then forced to assume that Splinter somehow aged at a significantly accelerated pace. Do rats age faster than turtles? Should I really have to consult Google to watch a frigging movie?

If I want to learn something or challenge my brain, then I watch documentaries. When I want to be allowed to chomp popcorn and drool from brainless activity, then I watch reboots of old 1980’s cartoon franchises in a new age, CGI, live action format. In every way that movies like Godzilla excel, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fails miserably.

I am not even sure if I can recommend this movie to parents of very young children because the Turtles, to be honest, are terrifying to look at. I honestly heard small children crying in other cars around me when we got our first real look at the Turtles.

This movie works for its 101 minute run time as a chance for children of the 1980’s to see a grown-up version of their childhood heroes. But once the initial viewing passes, the aftertaste this movie leaves will make most people gag. Sorry folks, but I just cannot recommend this movie to anyone who loves movies.

Rating: 1 out of 5

George N Root III is a movie addict and goes to weekly MAA meetings at the drive-in throughout the spring and summer. You should join him each weekend at your local drive-in, it may do you some good.

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